Life is pain

Things I'm just now realizing...

2008-06-07T06:51:43Z

So I actually opened my mail today, and I just now put some numbers together in my head... It will cost $355 every month for the next 10 YEARS for me to go to college. That is 120 months and 520 weeks until I pay for my school. That is about $42,600 all paid up. I'm starting to think about what my education was REALLY worth. Some people for that amount of money will actually have a career plan and make real money. And then some people will be me... no hope of doing what I really want to do unless it requires MORE schooling. And you know what that means MORE SCHOOL LOANS!! And then if I do end up going to seminary, it's not that the world isn't in need of more people to preach the gospel... but finding that at a pay rate where i can pay off the above mentioned $42,600 + SEMINARY seems somewhat unlikely.

As I'm sitting here thinking that, I wonder how much I really trust God. Because He took me to college for a reason, I met the most wonderful girl in the world and hope to spend the rest of my life with her. He strengthened my faith in ways I never imagined... up until 2 days ago I didn't really think there was anything controversial about Leviticus, but reading I happened to notice that there is this little mention of this character called Azazel in Leviticus 16:8 that spawned an hour of conversation and quite the little wondering about what the old testament says about the doctrine of satan and demons. God has been good to me thus far, and even though I'm making plans to pick myself up and move half way across the country, giving up all of my comfortable little ruts, I can't help but be a little confident in knowing that God has brought me through all of the trials thus far and for the most part He has done so leaving me relatively unscathed. Really you might think I should be a complete wreck the way i tell my life story. But God has been faithful to me... If He wants me at the head of His people preaching His word HE will make it happen, it's not me but it's all Him. I'm not very good at remembering that, I like to think it is all about me and what is best for me and what I can do for me. I forget there is freedom in giving it all up and devoting your life to something greater. That even after I die God can use me, every breath I give to him will be of infinite value compared to what I try to do for myself.

The other thing I'm realizing is how hopelessly in love I am with Brittany, I haven't seen her in 6 days and I'm just stressed to no end. She is the most wonderful, beautiful, smart, faithful, and amazing girl I have ever known. I just am not the same without her. I talk on the phones for 40 hours every week and now my relationship with the woman I love has to be on the phone, a cruel irony at best. I love talking to her, but I also love hugs, and being there with her. Especially because she sounds pretty stressed out and exhausted this week too. I hope she knows how much I think about her an hope she is doing well even though I can't do much to make her life better. I also hope she is daily turning to God who CAN be there and reaching out to Him because He does so much better than I.

But... I guess I should go to sleep. Not that I have much to do tomorrow but my fingers just aren't working that well right now.

csutrog @ 2007-12-19T22:11:00

2007-12-20T05:15:09Z

look, it takes being really really lazy for me to be really really mediocre. But looky I'm gradumated!

I'm FINISHED!!!

2007-12-13T17:16:53Z

I'm done with school FOREVER and EVER and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... AND EVERRRRR!!!

Ok... now what? oh well... i guess it's time to go to directech again.

THE DEVIL!!!

2007-08-20T13:53:18Z

And yes i'm talking about school. My first class hasn't even started yet but every day for my next 16 weeks is going to be like this... wake up at 6:45 (this is a new record for regular basis) Go abandon my car and bike on to campus (Parking is such a joke around here) then from 8-850 they own me here for spanish 105 (the content of which i already know but CSU is too dumb to count it). Then I have from 8:50 to 9:30 to fight the crowds off of campus, get to my car, fight the morning rush down mulberry to work... then i start the sort of day to which i have become accustomed, besides only getting half the lunch i normally do, which is ok because i never do anything with my lunch anyways. But then just for kicks i made monday longer than all of the others... so i leave work and book it back over to campus, ride the bike etc etc. and then go to Astronomy Lab, and it better entertain me! So far this class is all freshman girls, one non-traditional student... and me... lucky lucky me... i get to sit here and pretend i don't know spanish so they don't kick me out.

On the bright side... this is it, it's all... never again! after this I won't ever have to do any education i don't choose to do. And it will probably be a good long while before i work up the kind of evil self loathing that would make me want to do this again...

But hey... at least i'll have student loans i can use to spend on stuff that will rot my teeth since i'm already full time at work.

because i can

2007-08-17T05:42:22Z

Which Disney Princess Are You?
	You are Cinderella. You are hard-working and never complain, however, your trust is sometimes misplaced and people sometimes take advantage of you. Still, you are beautiful inside and out, and one day you will realize it and find true love.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

you know it's just not official until it is on facebook

2007-06-08T20:42:11Z

So i log into facebook this morning and find that i have a group of facebook messages about this... So, in case you are wondering, you are not officially dating someone until it shows up on facebook...

that's all i have to say about that...

i need a new job... if anyone knows any good places to work you should tell me... and when i get the job i'll update on facebook just to make it official

I hate mondays!

2007-05-14T17:39:34Z

I only have 3 minutes until my break is over... but it needs to be said.
Last night was awesome, and freeing and took a lot off my shoulders... then i wander into directech... OMG, how are they still in business, on their billions of dollars in budget they can't seem to properly staff the place because for the training we receive we can't do the job asked, those of us who figured it out on our own we can't cover for everyone else who doesn't know how, and nobody gets paid enough for what's put on their shoulders.

... ending rant, because i have to go back for more.

i need a hug...

Sweet Failure

2007-05-10T19:02:18Z

So, I didn't get my promotion to supervisor. Reason being "troy's too timid to say what he thinks." It's kind of funny... i'm pretty sure that's what everyone else thinks i excel at... you never have to wonder what i think of a situation.

But on the plus side i don't have to go to a ridiculous schedule change, and that will be nice. We are likely to have a few that just got hired quit... if I'm still here by then.

So in conclusion Troy is in the job market again, I'm going to have to use my days off and such to go find a replacement for ol Directech. i'm at a point in my life that i can't afford to sit still. If i just sit here i won't be able to pay school loans when they start or start saving for the future. Stagnation is not a possibility.

In the meantime i intend to have a lot of fun with my summer that i probably couldn't have had otherwise.

There is your update

So much to do, so little time in which to do it.

2007-04-29T18:42:47Z

I guess i'm in a more or less contemplative mood, good time to write a lj update, since I haven't in a while. It's weird to think that I'm almost done with school (at least at CSU). I'm just a couple transfer credits away from my $30,000 sheet of paper. While looking for a job i realized that people don't want degrees, they want experience. The experience I couldn't get because I was working my way through college. So if I apply for things that require experience I have... hotels and call centers, and of course food delivery. Very very marketable I am. I can't even get a promotion at work worth 50 cents with experience and the paper.I don't mean to bitch about this, but when did college become such an expensive waste of time?

That said, in general I'm the happiest I can remember being since the beginning of college. I'm not panicking myself over bills, I'm not sleeping for 2 hours per day and working the rest. Relationships with most people are good, although my diversity in friends has noticeably declined, which on one hand is ok, but it does make me sad that there are people I miss and I don't talk to much anymore.

And then there is God, I'm waiting on God to talk to someone on my behalf. Which requires a kind of patience I've never had to exercise before. I know I have to do it but there is part of me that is just saying "God didn't talk about this sort of thing in the bible so don't expect him to speak to you on it now" If you think about it the bible covers a pretty wide variety of subjects. But there are some things that are either, not on the forefront of what God cares about and therefore not present, or something that was just not a part of the culture and for that reason not addressed.
I'm waiting on God to give me some sort of clue as to where he wants me to be. Whether it be in a new job or in my current, or in another place entirely. On a practical level i know i can't move away, besides, there is too much worth staying for.

Now I have the big paper due tomorrow. It's 60% of the grade that decides whether or not I'm done with CSU or not. I'm not too worried. But i don't like that kind of pressure either. So i'm going to spend the night rewriting my draft, but at least i'll have some amazing company. But it must be done, so wish me luck.

So... I haven't updated in a while, sue me

2007-03-14T21:33:03Z

I don't really feel like talking about life... life is depressing, and it's going to be great when i'm done. But on the plus side i'm getting a new computer. Building it probably tomorrow.

I noticed that i'm going to have this extra hole on the front of my computer just waiting for an upgrade... i figure i can find something to fill that... here are the leading candidates

http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/ezbake.shtml

yes this is an ez bake oven

http://www.thinkgeek.com/computing/pcmods/8095/

Come on... who wouldn't start their computer from the couch

http://www.thinkgeek.com/computing/pcmods/6b35/

... If it only had a bottle opener...

http://www.thinkgeek.com/computing/drives/7a8d/

We could even play all of DJ's breakup tapes with this!

Taking votes on which one i should choose.

yeah... this song describes me right now

2007-02-16T07:56:08Z

i've got a hunger
twisting my stomach into knots
that my tongue was tied off

my brain's repeating
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
but they never make it past my mouth.

baa bah, this is the sound of settling
baa bah, baa bah
(x2)

our youth is fleeting
old age is just around the bend
and i can't wait to go grey

and i'll sit and wonder
of every love that could've been
if i'd only thought of something charming to say.

baa bah, this is the sound of settling
baa bah, baa bah
(x4)

i've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots

If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards

2007-01-08T21:29:54Z

I'm confused, if anyone has a clue on this one let me know... Why am I being held hostage in Fort Collins? I can't decide whether it is God teaching me some patience or some much darker force keeping me here, just surviving.

Today is pretty much my cut off date on getting stuff worked out for school this semester, thus far it's looking grim... on december 26th i informed my mom that i needed something pretty simple to prove i live here, just a copy of her driver's license. If i don't have it today instead of going in tomorrow to work out the rest of my financial aid and schedule I'll be going to withdraw, do my best to dodge charges and try to defer pending loan payments.

There are some good things in Fort Collins, don't get me wrong, but if I'm not going to improve my situation here it's time to leave, I feel discouraged and ineffective in so many areas. I'm amazed that people still put up with me when I'm spending so much time depressed and whining and frustrated about my problems. I know that it's good to share your burdens... but i can't help but think that they should be getting tired of hearing about it.

but now i have the problem of figuring out what I'm doing after July, I have no roommates... half leases are hard to find... all so I can stay in a town that's treating me like dirt.

Andrew gave a talk a while back about when to count your losses and give up... I'm not quite there yet... but it's getting there in a big hurry.

would you rather...?

2007-01-03T21:24:27Z

View Poll: Would you rather...?

Time to update again...

2006-12-27T21:50:54Z

I don't know where to start, it's been a while.

First of all it looks like i'm keeping directech for now... i can' guarantee anything about school... so quitting would be foolish. If I can i'll probably just take 6 credits and finish the rest online. So i'm going to be working no matter what, if i get into school and i can i'm going to quit or severly cut back on dp dough.

Christmas was interesting. I haven't had a normal christmas in years so i suppose i shouldn't be surprised. The only contact i had with my family was a quick phone call to my sister. But God looks after me. Brittany and her family were kind enough to invite me over... I feel bad mooching like that but i got to see Brittany so i'm going to be ok with it. Mike's family also called me and bought me gifts which made me feel good too. But because of that awesome snowstorm i'd only really shopped for like 2 people... so everyone gets christmas sale gifts from me.

yeah so there is a reason i don't post... it's because my life is boring... that's all i got.

it's been a while so...

2006-11-13T21:27:03Z

I'm much less tempted to write in this when i don't have a rant... this has saved me from saying a lot of things i would regret in person.

So work is good, it's been a lot but it's been good. total this week was 70.54 hours... which i know sounds like a lot to mere mortals, but it's actually treating me ok. I just paid my car ahead a month and pulled myself out of debt with school so i can register... then i just need to get into the class... which could be a real challenge. there is one spot in a capstone that looks really good and 8 left in one that looks really miserable with a prof i hate. i need to go see an advisor tomorrow to see how that's going to work. but all and all i don't have it bad, i just have to figure out how much those credits are going to cost. and go talk to the aid dept.

for the most part i'm sleeping regularly these days, i deprive myself a couple times a week so i can deliver calzones but it's not completely backward at least.

right now i'm fairly optimistic about things.

the source is going to be weird tomorrow.... trust me, it'll be different.

i'm trying to think of what else is new... not that much except for brittany is losing her mind with work... i personally would have postponed 3 and halfassed the other two papers. but i guess i'm just not that awesome...

other than that i've just been working

call me, i'll call back i think

Good news! My IPod died!

2006-10-17T23:47:35Z

no really, it's a good thing

i was only 3 months from the warranty expiring.

I bought this in the last month they were selling this model, the chance that they have a refurb model is pretty much slim to none, i get a new ipod for free, fricken sweet!

who wants to go to the apple store with me? I'm thinking i will have to go next tuesday...

please put in applications now as seats are limited

csutrog @ 2006-10-13T00:16:00

2006-10-13T06:16:47Z

View Poll: Should Troy finish his degree?

Ah life is good.

2006-09-29T05:13:39Z

I'm sitting in my last shift at the hotel ever (as far as i know). I have a trainee to do all the work for me anyways. I went out to dinner with a beautiful girl tonight, no complaints there. I'm leaving for a vacation this weekend and starting a new job on monday that's not at night. You know... i can't complain at all.

So i got a new job

2006-09-26T09:06:05Z

I just realized how many people hadn't heard this news... so i'll fill everyone in. Since the post right below this i've made some changes.

1. I start at Directech on monday, training to do phone service for direct tv.
- they pay better than either job and almost as much as both combined
- free direct tv after like a month or something
- Set schedule... DURING THE DAY

2. Quit the pizza place... that was awkwardly hostile.
3. I'm pretty much quit at the hotel after this weekend
4. Because of all of this i have a gap with which i can go on the retreat
5. now trying to figure out why i own the imark... thinking of either getting rid of the impala, or more food delivery.

That's the update as far as i know. This week is pretty laid back, call me. do it. you know who you are who should be calling me. DO IT!

csutrog @ 2006-09-23T07:32:00

2006-09-23T13:32:44Z

View Poll: Application time

this is disgusting

2006-09-22T06:50:34Z

I just did some math. Since i always pay for gas with my card because i'm too lazy to walk into a gas station it's easy to figure out how much i spend on gas, right?

since August 8th 2006 $281.31
Since starting the pizza joint $633.98

OUCH

i'm glad i quit that crap!

I made my own penis showing game

2006-09-21T06:26:08Z

You'd have to watch "waiting" to understand that quote... so do it...

because i can

2006-09-20T12:34:03Z

View Poll: Your Soul!

Jars of Clay

2006-09-20T12:05:05Z

Not their normal style but i like it

Whatever She Wants

all her wants to fill a need
she wants to save you with her bandages
after she makes you bleed
like a vampire, a parasite
stretch the neck of her victim
she finds her prey in broad daylight

when you're up, she's down
you're down, she's up, it whips around
it's the ride the way that she needs it

CHORUS:
whatever she wanted for whatever you need
speechless and silent while she takes everything

kryptonite underneath
you used to be her superman
but now you're fading, now you're weak

never how or why
it worked to play the big lie
to dim the truth from causing her wet eyes

[CHORUS]

yeah
[CHORUS]
everything

yeah

[guitar]

yeah
[CHORUS]
she takes everything
whatever she wants
it's everything

I just remembered why I have a lj

2006-08-24T08:31:52Z

It's to bitch about life when it just becomes too much for me. School is a bust... they just are making it not worth it with the amount of proof that i am what i say i am, then they make me say i'm something i'm not (as in dependent on my mother) just so they can give me less chance to better myself, what the hell.
Usually i go to church to deal with this sensation, but that is still a point of frustration. After going throught the summer where i just didn't fit in, i'm now going through my home misistry, my place where i expect to be caught up and find myeself being resisted by the people i've come to respect over seemingly petty issues, but things that waste my time ( i don't have much, notice the freqency of posts) and i just don't know what to do.

If i wait a year financial stuff won't be an issue with school, but i've always kept myself goinging on believing that i will be done before that happens, that will be pushing up on a 6 year bachelor's degree (an easy one at that). I don't really want to be part of this place in a year. I feel that as little as i've learned in the academic sense i've matured in a life sense to where i'm ready to deal with the real world, whatever that is, and not be part of some of this dramatic college nonsense.

I don't know. everything i'm trying to do right now seems to be failing.... what's the answer?

named my new kitty, lucy, short for lucy-fur

hehe

Life is pain

Things I'm just now realizing...

csutrog @ 2007-12-19T22:11:00

I'm FINISHED!!!

THE DEVIL!!!

because i can

Which Disney Princess Are You?

you know it's just not official until it is on facebook

I hate mondays!

Sweet Failure

So much to do, so little time in which to do it.

So... I haven't updated in a while, sue me

yeah... this song describes me right now

If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards

would you rather...?

Time to update again...

it's been a while so...

Good news! My IPod died!

csutrog @ 2006-10-13T00:16:00

Ah life is good.

So i got a new job

csutrog @ 2006-09-23T07:32:00

this is disgusting

I made my own penis showing game

because i can

Jars of Clay

I just remembered why I have a lj